Publications
Partners
- A reader, Hellen Moller*, 50, has been trying to get back into dating since 2021.
- It took the widow years to consider dating after her husband died.
- She has spent time, effort and money on dating apps but has only ever matched with scammers.
- Not being able to find someone has made her feel insecure about her appearance.
Widow Helen Moller* has been trying to get back into dating after years of being alone, but her experience with dating sites has left a bitter taste in her mouth.
Since 2021, the 50-year-old has consistently been on different dating sites, but she has yet to find what she is looking for, a companion.
"I have met only one person 'in person' on a dating app, and he turned out to be a scammer. He was married but pretended to be divorced, and he was dating a lot of women all at the same time and telling them all the same story. I have also spent a lot of money on this person and funding most of his other dates and children unbeknown to me."
When Helen found out who he was, she cut ties but still hoped to meet someone, so she continued swiping on dating sites.
READ MORE | 'I love my partner but he's unable to find work and I'm no longer willing to struggle with him'
"It feels as if I only attract financially needy men because the men I chat to are scammers. Some want naughty chats, and naked pictures, some can't work due to physical problems, or they are supposedly running their own businesses. They all ended up asking me for money," she says.
Blaming herself
Because of her struggles, Helen thinks something is wrong with her.
"What am I doing or saying that attracts all the wrong men? It makes me feel insecure about how I look. I keep asking myself what's wrong with me," she says.
"It feels like an endless vicious never-ending circle to be on a dating site, and it is time-consuming, not to mention how expensive it is."
Helen is planning to stop using dating sites because of the anxiety it causes her.
"Am I giving up too easily? Maybe. It's something I have to do to keep my sanity. I have lost a big part of myself by being on these apps," says Helen.
"I keep looking at my phone so I don't miss that connection. I can't focus at work because I am too focused on the dating app. It makes me feel restless and gives me anxiety. It makes me feel as if my life is at a standstill, waiting in anticipation."
READ MORE | 70-year-old widow thought she found love again but lost over R1.3 million to 'Yahoo Boys'
Managing expectations
Even though she has not been lucky in love, Helen has at least been able to practice restraint and not been duped by all the scammers she has encountered. Instead, she has also learnt some hard lessons about the toxic way in which people approach dating apps.
"We set such high expectations for ourselves and feel disappointed when they are not met. [This experience] has just played havoc with my emotions. I shouldn't have to drop my standards to find someone to love. Most people have ulterior motives for dating and are not willing to make a commitment," she says.
She says she knows love exists because she was in a "very happy" marriage before. But for now, her love-hate relationship with dating apps might be coming to an end soon, and she is starting to think that she might not be so lucky to find love again the second time around.
Not her real name*
